I’m Tired of Making Up Reasons to Live

More adventures in denying that you can manifest your world

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I’m about to take you on a very nonlinear and illogical journey between sanity and something similar to nihilism, otherwise known as “I believe in nothing.” And then, if we’re lucky, we will arrive back where we started in the frame of mind that you, the reader, have come to expect of me — where there’s magic and wonder and I haven’t forgotten all the weird things that have happened to me.

But we all lose our faith sometimes. We all get depressed.

I was arrogant. I was on a spiritual high. I thought I knew how to “manifest” good things in life and I even told other people how to do it. I wrote about it. I mean I probably did, I don’t remember anymore. I’m sorry but it’s true.

I don’t know what’s real anymore. I have no advice. I had all the things I worked for, I did all kinds of inner healing and expanded my mind, which no one can ever take away by the way. But I also had tangible things, and isn’t that why we’re living life as tangible beings? Otherwise why not just be mental beings? I learned to love deeply and I thought I was being rewarded for all my spiritual work. Trust me, the universe will turn you upside down at the very moment when you think you’ve won something. And people die. Please, prove me wrong here.

I don’t know about you, but when I’m depressed, it is now really annoying to hear people tell me that I have some control over my reality just by an alteration of my mindset. It’s annoying for two reasons. One is that I probably told people this in the past when they were depressed, and now I get to experience how dumb it sounds. Secondly, it doesn’t even seem true.

So, I decided, after the death of a person I love so dearly, that if I’m going to live, it’s all made up. I am playing make-believe. There’s no reason to live anymore. To “prop up” my life, I can make up reasons. Sure. Anyone can. But I won’t anymore. It’s exhausting trying to hope and dream for happy days.

I will always have the choice to make up reasons to keep living.

I have a friend who argues that when you’re depressed, you can’t see it, but the dark thoughts you…