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Dating and Self
Look for Inner Red Flags, Too
You might be your own problem.
In the world of dating, we constantly hear about red flags. Watch out for them! People will warn you to walk away at the first red flag, whatever your definition of that may be, and don’t tolerate anything weird. Especially for women in dating, we are encouraged by the media, friends, and coaches to live in fear of what this other person might do to us.
Recently, I started dating again and a friend said to me, “be ready to walk away if you see any red flags.” She meant well. I replied, “there are no red flags so far. Only green flags.” And I realized that the red flags I was experiencing were all inside me as I dealt with my own fears and insecurities based on past experiences. There is nothing “wrong” with the other person that isn’t inherently about myself.
Looking for red flags is a waste of time if you ask me. First of all, I think that approaching relationships of any kind in this way is not helping us, in general. It isn’t serving you. You’re creating separation instead of love. Suspecting the other person of wrongdoing or behavior that you don’t like all the time, before they’ve even done anything concretely “wrong”, is a path toward real anxiety in life. Having “boundaries” literally means that we are separating ourselves.
