There’s Always a Looming Existential Meltdown

All I can do is try to stay ahead of it.

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I can’t deny it: I have a bit of darkness looming over my head all the time.

All of my reality can seem to be going fine. Things may be developing nicely. I have a privileged lifestyle, or so it would seem to the outside observer. I have nothing really to complain about and many things to celebrate in my life. Nothing would indicate the potential for an imminent meltdown.

But I know that all it takes is one trigger or reminder of that darkness and all bets are off.

I don’t think the dark side of me is going anywhere. I can’t make it disappear. All I can really do is become more and more aware of it. I can be friends with it so that when the existential meltdown starts, I know what to do.

I don’t have a choice in what occurs in my life on a daily basis. But I do have a choice in how I react.

People, in their innocent conversation, can mention things that make me melt down. For instance, saying how “we have all the time in the world” reminds me of a person I loved who said these words a couple weeks before he died. Songs play wherever I am that are telling me words that really touch my soul — sad words —…